Saturday Night Live Twin Peaks parody
MUSIC: TWIN PEAKS THEME
FADE IN:
INTRO:
We open to a scene of the Packard mill machinery at work.
DISSOLVE TO:
We view the road into town with the welcome sign at the side.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DALE COOPER'S HOTEL BEDROOM - NIGHT
We FOCUS on a CLOSE-UP of a rifle held as an ornament on the sawed pine plank wall of the room.
COOPER
Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed.
We ZOOM OUT and PAN RIGHT to FOCUS on AGENT COOPER sitting at table and speaking into his minitature tape recorder.
COOPER
This morning I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I'll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I'm gonna get naked and slide around in them.
MUSIC ENDS: TWIN PEAKS THEME
The door to the room opens and SHERIFF TRUMAN walks inside.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
COOPER stands up and faces TRUMAN.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.
COOPER
Harry I'm glad you're here. Tonight we're going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins, you know, the one with the eagle feather.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.
COOPER
Well that's good news Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won't be long now.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
No-no no-no. Leo confessed. He really did, honest. Its over. We found the murder weapon in the truck. His fingerprints match. We even have a video tape of it.
TRUMAN reaches into coat pocket, pulls out a video tape and shows it to COOPER.
MUSIC: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
COOPER
Harry, in the FBI we're trained in one very important thing, to look beyond the obvious. Now this video tape is helpful but last night I had a dream. In that dream I saw a hairless mouse with a pitchfork singing a song about caves. I surmised these are the same keys ... (goof, recovers) caves at the Packard Saw Mill. Harry, tonight you and I are going to do a little spelunking.
MUSIC ENDS: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
The door to room bursts open and LEO, in handcuffs, walks inside under escort by DEPUTY ANDY BRENNAN.
LEO
I guess you heard. I did it. I'm ready to do my time. Get me a beer!
COOPER leans over to TRUMAN.
COOPER
Harry this certainly puts him high on the list of suspects. See he doesn't leave town.
MUSIC: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
LELAND PALMER, despondent, walks into the room and up to AGENT COOPER.
LELAND
Special Agent Cooper. I want to thank you for finding the man that killed my daughter Laura. Now that its over, I'm gonna miss you.
LELAND hugs COOPER for a moment and then quickly backs off to ask:
LELAND
Dance with me. Dance with me.
LELAND holds COOPER'S hands and begins to sway.
COOPER
Leland, I'm afraid your celebration may be a bit premature. Laura's killer is still at large.
LELAND stops dancing.
LELAND
LELAND begins to sob and uncontrollably dance with his hands, palms forward, on his head.
LELAND leaves the room.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Cooper? Why did you say that? Leland's just starting to make a recovery.
COOPER
Oh don't worry about Leland. His dancing is actually getting quite good.
MUSIC ENDS: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
MUSIC: AUDREY'S DANCE
AUDREY HORNE, wearing a red top and black skirt, walks into the room and performs a quick beguiling routine in the middle of the room before moving off to lean against a wall off to the side.
AGENT COOPER walks up to AUDREY.
AUDREY
COOPER
Audrey, did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?
AUDREY
I quit that job as soon as I found that Leo did it.
LEO
That's right I'm the one.
COOPER walks over to LEO.
COOPER
(scoldingly) I'm talking to Audrey.
LEO reaches into his pants pocket.
LEO
LEO pulls out his wallet and unfurls the plastic photo organizer.
LEO
Here's me about to kill her.
LEO shows the photo to COOPER.
LEO
LEO shows another photo to COOPER.
LEO
Here's me wrapping her in plastic.
LEO shows COOPER another photograph.
AUDREY walks up and budges between COOPER and LEO. LEO continues to look through the photographs and points them out DEPUTY ANDY.
AUDREY
I just wanted to say goodbye Agent Cooper. I want you to take this with you.
AUDREY presents COOPER with a wrapped gift. COOPER takes it.
AUDREY
I just have to finish wrapping it.
Starring at COOPER, AUDREY puts a 5-inch long, red ribbon in her mouth and slowly gobbles it up.
COOPER, TRUMAN, LEO and ANDY watch with great interest as AUDREY'S tongue squirms in her mouth. AUDREY opens her mouth and juts her tongue out to display a tied red bow. AUDREY grabs the bow from her mouth and places it on COOPER'S gift.
COOPER
MUSIC ENDS: AUDREY'S DANCE
COOPER turns to TRUMAN. AUDREY leaves the room.
COOPER
Harry, tonight we'll stake out the graveyard disguised as alter boys.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
No-no. No we won't Cooper and I'll tell you why because the crime has been solved already. Leo confessed.
COOPER
Okay, we'll go to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Eskimo seal hunters.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
COOPER
SHERIFF TRUMAN
COOPER
SHERIFF TRUMAN
COOPER
COOPER snaps his fingers and picks up a rock lying on the table.
COOPER
I'll throw this rock at the window. If it breaks, Leo is innocent.
MUSIC: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
COOPER winds up and throws the rock at the window, breaking it.
COOPER turns to LEO.
COOPER
MUSIC ENDS: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Look Cooper, I know you have interesting methods and I don't blame you for loving your work but seeing that this crime is solved already I'd like to move on to an unsolved crime.
LEO
Look! I did it! You think those notes I sent you were a joke?!
COOPER
LEO
LEO points to a bundle of notes sitting on the table. TRUMAN spots them, quickly picks them up and reads them aloud.
MUSIC: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Dear Agent Cooper. I killed Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.
COOPER walks up behind TRUMAN and peeks over his shoulder to the notes. TRUMAN switches to another note.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Dear Agent Cooper. Wondering if you got my first note.
COOPER briefly peers over at LEO.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Read my killing of Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.
TRUMAN switches to next note.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Dear Agent Cooper. Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities. Yours truly, Leo 'the murder of Laura Palmer' Johnson.
NADINE HURLEY rushes into the room carrying a drape runner.
MUSIC ENDS: LAURA PALMER'S THEME
MUSIC: NIGHT LIFE IN TWIN PEAKS
NADINE
NADINE walks up close to AGENT COOPER and grasps his left arm.
NADINE
I understand you're returning to Washington?
AGENT COOPER nods his head for yes.
NADINE
NADINE points to the drape runner she carries in her right hand.
NADINE
This is my silent drape runner. Please see that it gets to the patent office. That is all.
NADINE leaves the drape runner with AGENT COOPER and rushes off out of the room.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Cooper, I think I'm going to head off too.
MUSIC ENDS: NIGHT LIFE IN TWIN PEAKS
COOPER
Oh, not yet Harry. We still haven't heard from the Log Lady.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Cooper, you're not going to hear from the Log Lady.
COOPER
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Well, because there's only two women left on Saturday Night Live and we've already used them both up.
The LOG LADY rushes into room carrying her log in her arms.
LOG LADY
(out of breath) Hi. My log says Leo did it. That all, I got to go.
The LOG LADY rushes out of the room.
COOPER
(smiling) Harry, this town never ceases to amaze me.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Well you come back and visit any time.
TRUMAN turns to ANDY and LEO.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
ANDY, LEO and SHERIFF TRUMAN start to head out of the room.
MUSIC: INTO THE NIGHT
COOPER
Well, wait maybe - maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer but we still haven't figured out who shot me.
LEO
SHERIFF TRUMAN
Come on, lets go everybody.
LEO and ANDY leave the room. Before leaving, TRUMAN turns to COOPER.
SHERIFF TRUMAN
TRUMAN exits the room and closes the door behind himself.
MUSIC ENDS: INTO THE NIGHT
AGENT COOPER puts NADINE'S drape runner in a corner of the room near the door, reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out his miniature tape recorder.
MUSIC: TWIN PEAKS THEME
COOPER
Well Diane I guess I'm going to be heading home several months earlier than I planned.
COOPER turns off the light in the room.
COOPER
I suppose I might as well because for the first time in my life, ...
COOPER bends to a bedside lamp and turns if off.
COOPER
... here in this beautiful town of Twin Peaks, I feel alone. Hopelessly alone.
The door to the room opens and in steps the LITTLE MAN FROM ANOTHER PLACE. The LITTLE MAN walks over to AGENT COOPER. The LITTLE MAN’S speech is oddly stilted but subtitles provide the correct words to his speech.
LITTLE MAN
COOPER places his mini tape recorder on the nearby table.
COOPER
LITTLE MAN
Heard about Leo confessing, tough break.
COOPER
Its okay. Say, I thought I might go to the diner for a slice of cherry pie before I leave town
LITTLE MAN
Do they have little pies?
COOPER
My friend, I've got a feeling they do.
COOPER pats the LITTLE MAN on the arm and heads towards the door. COOPER pauses at the door and then turns to the LITTLE MAN.
COOPER
You know what, on second thought, I think I'll just call it a night. Is that all right, nothing personal?
LITTLE MAN
MUSIC ENDS: TWIN PEAKS THEME
MUSIC: DANCE OF THE DREAM MAN
The LITTLE MAN begins to dance.
COOPER walks over to the side of his bed, gets in bed and covers himself with the sheets.
We FOCUS on the LITTLE MAN as he dances.
CLOSE:
DISSOVLE TO:
We close to a scene of the Packard mill machinery at work.
MUSIC ENDS: DANCE OF THE DREAM MAN
